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Past entriesHoliday blog 12.23.09
Useful linksWarp 11, the Surfblogger’s new favorite band
Click here to e-mail the Surfblogger.
| 01/07/10
It’s so cold I’ll bet the guy who invented the Snuggie isn’t even wearing one. He and that ShamWow dude are probably laid up on some tropical beach somewhere drinking little umbrella drinks and counting the clicks on their laptops. So I’m not even checking the surf forecast sites this week. At least not for here. When the wind is cold enough to blacken the leaves on the banana trees outside the tiki bar, it’s too cold to surf. There’s probably some kind of black banana leaf parable somewhere in surf lore, but I’m too cold to look it up. So I’m gonna say “M’aala ho’ola icky icky eck eck.” Which is Hawaiian for “The banana leaves are black and frozen, so whadda you, nuts?”
If you’re like me, the weather has got you going in the direction of something akin to cabin fever. So, being your full-service surfblogger, I’ll give you some things to do to keep you stoked until we thaw.
So, in addition to considering the above, I am also involving myself in science and nature. Being a Renaissance man, I have used my powers of scientific observation to notice that it is so ridiculously cold that all the nature has taken the Amtrak to Miami. Except for Blogdog, who couldn’t afford the fare. So he is morosely enduring the cold like the rest of us. And the colder it gets, the less motivated Blogdog is to go poo in the backyard. In fact, the colder it is, the closer to the patio he places his landmines. And being a Great Dane, this is a significant, if not lifesaving observation; because if you step into one, you may never be heard from again.
Which got me thinking that the traditional method of gauging the temperature in degrees does nothing to preserve my life vis-a-vis the Blogdog hazard. So, after careful mapping of backyard piles and correlation to the approximate temperature when the pile was placed, I have come up with a formula to predict where not to walk based on temperature.
R = (K- 273.15)*(9/5) + 491.67, where R is the radius of hazards from the edge of the patio and K is the outside temperature in degrees Kelvin.
I know this has to be fascinating reading, and I don’t want to overwhelm you, but if you do this backwards with R being the known variable and degrees (K) being unknown, it’s possible to tell the outside temperature from where in my yard the poo is. I can hear you gasp, and with all modesty, I have to agree with you that it’s brilliant.
I’ve been calling the TV stations and insisting that they put me on during the weather forecast to give temperature calculations from my backyard. At first they were nice to me, but now they won’t even answer the phone. It can’t have anything to do with the brilliance of the invention, because that’s a given. I’m thinking it must be because my model is too unwieldy. So I’m working on miniaturization into a mobile app using a small piece of Astroturf and a Chihuahua.
All I need is a little TV time and one of those headset microphone things for Vinnie: “That’s right folks, this thing is made in Mount Pleasant. And you know how good those guys are. So order your Poop-O-Mometer now and receive two Astroturf pads in the colors of your favorite football team at no extra cost. Plus, in this limited TV offer, order now and receive two extra replacement Chihuahuas FREE! Hurry — because we’re running out of Chihuahuas and I can’t be doing this all day.”
We’re gonna be rich beyond all imagination. |
 | |
Who likes a stale blog?Get freshly baked blog delivered to your inbox every Thursday. Sign up for Weekend! and get 10 ways to play and the Surfblogger and go have some fresh fun. | |
Past entriesHoliday blog 12.23.09Tiger blog 12.17.09 Chaos blog 12.03.09 Turkey blog 11.25.09 Chakra blog 11.19.09 Short blog 09.24.09 Art blog 09.17.09 Fred blog 09.10.09 Cup blog 09.03.09 Entropy blog 08.27.09 Snot blog 08.20.09 Pimp blog 08.13.09 Flower blog 08.06.09 Traffic blog 07.23.09 Tribal blog 07.16.09 Sad blog 07.09.09 Inland blog 07.02.09 Magic blog 06.18.09 Wahine blog 06.11.09 Mac blog 05.28.09 Cojones blog 05.21.09 Well blog 05.14.09 SW blog 05.07.09 Permission blog 04.30.09 Rush blog 04.23.09 Howler blog 04.09.09 Burden blog 03.19.09 Paver blog 03.12.09 Fido blog 03.05.09 Tax blog 02.26.09 Walk blog 02.12.09 Value blog 02.05.09 Pain blog 01.29.09 Horse blog 01.22.09 Cold blog 01.15.09 Gym blog 01.08.09 Trespass blog 12.31.08 Christmas blog 12.24.08 Leash blog 12.18.08 ESA blog 12.11.08 Eastside blog 12.02.08
Useful linksWarp 11, the Surfblogger’s new favorite bandVideo of the bigger skate bowl Nosara Wildlife Jupiter Inlet Juno pier IOP pier surf cam Favorite surf forecast site
Click here to e-mail the Surfblogger. | 01/07/10 It’s so cold I’ll bet the guy who invented the Snuggie isn’t even wearing one. He and that ShamWow dude are probably laid up on some tropical beach somewhere drinking little umbrella drinks and counting the clicks on their laptops. So I’m not even checking the surf forecast sites this week. At least not for here. When the wind is cold enough to blacken the leaves on the banana trees outside the tiki bar, it’s too cold to surf. There’s probably some kind of black banana leaf parable somewhere in surf lore, but I’m too cold to look it up. So I’m gonna say “M’aala ho’ola icky icky eck eck.” Which is Hawaiian for “The banana leaves are black and frozen, so whadda you, nuts?” If you’re like me, the weather has got you going in the direction of something akin to cabin fever. So, being your full-service surfblogger, I’ll give you some things to do to keep you stoked until we thaw.
So, in addition to considering the above, I am also involving myself in science and nature. Being a Renaissance man, I have used my powers of scientific observation to notice that it is so ridiculously cold that all the nature has taken the Amtrak to Miami. Except for Blogdog, who couldn’t afford the fare. So he is morosely enduring the cold like the rest of us. And the colder it gets, the less motivated Blogdog is to go poo in the backyard. In fact, the colder it is, the closer to the patio he places his landmines. And being a Great Dane, this is a significant, if not lifesaving observation; because if you step into one, you may never be heard from again. Which got me thinking that the traditional method of gauging the temperature in degrees does nothing to preserve my life vis-a-vis the Blogdog hazard. So, after careful mapping of backyard piles and correlation to the approximate temperature when the pile was placed, I have come up with a formula to predict where not to walk based on temperature. R = (K- 273.15)*(9/5) + 491.67, where R is the radius of hazards from the edge of the patio and K is the outside temperature in degrees Kelvin. I know this has to be fascinating reading, and I don’t want to overwhelm you, but if you do this backwards with R being the known variable and degrees (K) being unknown, it’s possible to tell the outside temperature from where in my yard the poo is. I can hear you gasp, and with all modesty, I have to agree with you that it’s brilliant. I’ve been calling the TV stations and insisting that they put me on during the weather forecast to give temperature calculations from my backyard. At first they were nice to me, but now they won’t even answer the phone. It can’t have anything to do with the brilliance of the invention, because that’s a given. I’m thinking it must be because my model is too unwieldy. So I’m working on miniaturization into a mobile app using a small piece of Astroturf and a Chihuahua. All I need is a little TV time and one of those headset microphone things for Vinnie: “That’s right folks, this thing is made in Mount Pleasant. And you know how good those guys are. So order your Poop-O-Mometer now and receive two Astroturf pads in the colors of your favorite football team at no extra cost. Plus, in this limited TV offer, order now and receive two extra replacement Chihuahuas FREE! Hurry — because we’re running out of Chihuahuas and I can’t be doing this all day.” We’re gonna be rich beyond all imagination.
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