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| 12/10/09
Well, the Eddie went off this week. In case you don’t know, the Eddie is this famous surfing contest held at Waimea Bay in Hawaii. It’s named after famous Hawaiian big wave surfer Eddie Aikau and isn’t held unless the waves are really huge. I think the last time the thing ran was 2004. It’s by invitation only, and this year the waves were in the 30- to 45-foot range which makes for some truly epic and almost unimaginable conditions. Especially if you live around here.
I think the only way we could hold a contest that would have any international recognition would be if it was held in almost unimaginably small conditions. It would go something like this:
Good afternoon, and welcome to the 15th annual Vinnie. I’m your announcer, Rune Cartilage, and along with our color commentator, John Smith, we’ll be bringing you this event live from Aunt Mary’s beach path on the Isle of Palms.
Thanks, Rune. This is shaping up to be another boring event — but before we get started, I also want to say hello to our viewer out there on cable Channel 731.
I’m amazed that anybody would watch this. So, John, tell us a little about this event.
Well, Rune, the event got its name from the famous small-wave surfer Vinnie Miyagi, who was notorious for going out in conditions that were so incredibly small that only a handful of surfers would bother. One day, on a pathetically absent swell, he got so bored that he fell asleep on his board and drifted out into the shipping channel. He was sucked into the pipe on a dredging barge and spit out right at this spot during one of those futile beach renourishment projects in the earlier part of this century. The beach is gone, but the sand and pieces of Vinnie have created a subaquatic flat spot that assures no waves will break here for generations to come.
Wow, that’s boring.
Yes, it is. It’s incredibly boring, and that’s what’s given this contest its name and inspired so many surfers to live here and be bored too. Vinnie set the bar for boredom, and, each year, the contest directors watch the swell models and pick the day when they feel the conditions would have bored Vinnie the most.
Isn’t that pretty hard to do?
Yes, it’s truly an art form. This place is famous for its exceptionally small waves. Surfers all over the world come here to be bored, so finding the day when they will be bored nearly to death is an added challenge.
So tell us a little about these guys. Are they all professionals?
There are a few highly bored amateurs, but to compete at this level you have to be committed, and that means going pro. It takes hours of sitting around the house watching the shopping channel, and to be able to devote that kind of time, most of these guys make their living by sabotaging Wikipedia at night with incorrect information.
Well, it looks to me like the contest directors have picked an incredibly boring day.
You got that, Rune. There’s nothing more boring than an overcast day with onshore wind and water temperatures in the 50s. Add to that ankle-high mushburgers and grayish brown water, and you have all the potential for boredom needed to run the Vinnie.
John, what makes these guys come out here and lay it on the line like this? Is it the prize purse?
Well, it’s the prestige of being the most boring surfer alive. But this year, I think a lot of contestants have their eye on the purse, too. After all, the winner goes home with the entire set of phonebooks from Lugoff, S.C. and 16 pounds of Velveeta cheese.
Wow! The sponsors have really stepped up.
Yep. Someone will be set for life.
The final heat is in the water, but we did have some excitement in the preliminary heat.
Yes, Rune, unfortunately, the surfers in one of the preliminary heats were plucked from the water by Nazgul and carried off to be enslaved at the furnaces of Mordor. It’s the uncertainty that makes this a sport. Just when you think you can count on Aunt Mary’s to bore you, the All Seeing Eye swoops in and throws you a curveball. It’s the ability to adjust that separates the best from the rest.
So the final heat has been in the water now for six hours and nothing has happened.
Yes, and it’s neck and neck. I don’t think any of these surfers have ever been this bored.
Wait — the surfer in the blue jersey is paddling!
Now things are really heating up. He’s made a tactical error and actually thought he saw a wave. The judges won’t take kindly to that.
It’s pandemonium out there! Green and Orange have started talking to each other!
Rune, it looks like Green is telling Orange that his girlfriend dumped him to go out with an actuary. I see the judges consulting their rulebooks. ... Yep, it’s official. Green was actually interesting enough to get a girlfriend and Orange was interested enough in Green’s story to listen. So it’s a double foul and they’re both disqualified. What a shame. All those years of boredom and they’re out on a technicality.
That just leaves Yellow and Red.
Yes. Red has been scoring high points this heat by reading the dictionary. It looks like it’s Webster’s Unabridged, and he’s only on the B’s, so he’s bound to rack up more points.
What about Yellow? He hasn’t moved for hours.
Rune, you’re right. Wait a minute, I think he’s asleep. He’s starting to drift out into the harbor!
John, I think we have a winner. |
 | |
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Eastside Surfblog past entriesRead 12/03/09 entry
Useful linksWarp 11, the Surfblogger’s new favorite bandVideo of the bigger skate bowl Nosara Wildlife Jupiter Inlet Juno pier IOP pier surf cam Favorite surf forecast site
Click here to e-mail the Surfblogger.
| 12/10/09 Well, the Eddie went off this week. In case you don’t know, the Eddie is this famous surfing contest held at Waimea Bay in Hawaii. It’s named after famous Hawaiian big wave surfer Eddie Aikau and isn’t held unless the waves are really huge. I think the last time the thing ran was 2004. It’s by invitation only, and this year the waves were in the 30- to 45-foot range which makes for some truly epic and almost unimaginable conditions. Especially if you live around here. I think the only way we could hold a contest that would have any international recognition would be if it was held in almost unimaginably small conditions. It would go something like this: Good afternoon, and welcome to the 15th annual Vinnie. I’m your announcer, Rune Cartilage, and along with our color commentator, John Smith, we’ll be bringing you this event live from Aunt Mary’s beach path on the Isle of Palms.
Thanks, Rune. This is shaping up to be another boring event — but before we get started, I also want to say hello to our viewer out there on cable Channel 731.
I’m amazed that anybody would watch this. So, John, tell us a little about this event.
Well, Rune, the event got its name from the famous small-wave surfer Vinnie Miyagi, who was notorious for going out in conditions that were so incredibly small that only a handful of surfers would bother. One day, on a pathetically absent swell, he got so bored that he fell asleep on his board and drifted out into the shipping channel. He was sucked into the pipe on a dredging barge and spit out right at this spot during one of those futile beach renourishment projects in the earlier part of this century. The beach is gone, but the sand and pieces of Vinnie have created a subaquatic flat spot that assures no waves will break here for generations to come.
Wow, that’s boring.
Yes, it is. It’s incredibly boring, and that’s what’s given this contest its name and inspired so many surfers to live here and be bored too. Vinnie set the bar for boredom, and, each year, the contest directors watch the swell models and pick the day when they feel the conditions would have bored Vinnie the most.
Isn’t that pretty hard to do?
Yes, it’s truly an art form. This place is famous for its exceptionally small waves. Surfers all over the world come here to be bored, so finding the day when they will be bored nearly to death is an added challenge.
So tell us a little about these guys. Are they all professionals?
There are a few highly bored amateurs, but to compete at this level you have to be committed, and that means going pro. It takes hours of sitting around the house watching the shopping channel, and to be able to devote that kind of time, most of these guys make their living by sabotaging Wikipedia at night with incorrect information.
Well, it looks to me like the contest directors have picked an incredibly boring day.
You got that, Rune. There’s nothing more boring than an overcast day with onshore wind and water temperatures in the 50s. Add to that ankle-high mushburgers and grayish brown water, and you have all the potential for boredom needed to run the Vinnie.
John, what makes these guys come out here and lay it on the line like this? Is it the prize purse?
Well, it’s the prestige of being the most boring surfer alive. But this year, I think a lot of contestants have their eye on the purse, too. After all, the winner goes home with the entire set of phonebooks from Lugoff, S.C. and 16 pounds of Velveeta cheese.
Wow! The sponsors have really stepped up.
Yep. Someone will be set for life.
The final heat is in the water, but we did have some excitement in the preliminary heat.
Yes, Rune, unfortunately, the surfers in one of the preliminary heats were plucked from the water by Nazgul and carried off to be enslaved at the furnaces of Mordor. It’s the uncertainty that makes this a sport. Just when you think you can count on Aunt Mary’s to bore you, the All Seeing Eye swoops in and throws you a curveball. It’s the ability to adjust that separates the best from the rest.
So the final heat has been in the water now for six hours and nothing has happened.
Yes, and it’s neck and neck. I don’t think any of these surfers have ever been this bored.
Wait — the surfer in the blue jersey is paddling!
Now things are really heating up. He’s made a tactical error and actually thought he saw a wave. The judges won’t take kindly to that.
It’s pandemonium out there! Green and Orange have started talking to each other!
Rune, it looks like Green is telling Orange that his girlfriend dumped him to go out with an actuary. I see the judges consulting their rulebooks. ... Yep, it’s official. Green was actually interesting enough to get a girlfriend and Orange was interested enough in Green’s story to listen. So it’s a double foul and they’re both disqualified. What a shame. All those years of boredom and they’re out on a technicality.
That just leaves Yellow and Red.
Yes. Red has been scoring high points this heat by reading the dictionary. It looks like it’s Webster’s Unabridged, and he’s only on the B’s, so he’s bound to rack up more points.
What about Yellow? He hasn’t moved for hours.
Rune, you’re right. Wait a minute, I think he’s asleep. He’s starting to drift out into the harbor!
John, I think we have a winner. |
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