By Jeffrey Gitomer

Beginning a relationship is easy. Exploration is predominantly on the surface. Nothing too deep. Nothing too wide. Nothing too revealing. In the beginning, all is well. A friendship blossoms. Feelings emerge. And life is good.

It’s like fast-dancing at a bar. You kind of get to know the other person without touching them. Watch them move, see their rhythm, exchange smiles, scream a word or two. And at the end of the song, thank the person for their time.

You get to know them and decide if you want to dance again. If you like them, and believe you have some things in common, you may dance again. And again.

If you feel good about the relationship, and a bit of trust emerges, you may permit a transaction to take place. A meeting, a dinner, a sale, or, in a social setting, even a kiss.

As the relationship matures, facts and truths begin to reveal themselves, prompting decisions about the future of the relationship, including about such issues as its length.

And one day you begin to see things you’ve never seen before, because life takes over and reality sets in, thanks to daily transactions and interactions, coupled with patience, emotion, feelings, and responses.

I’ll refer to them as edges. You have edges, or levels, beyond which you will not go. Those include tolerance levels, social levels, philosophical levels and business levels. If someone tries to go beyond your edge, your tolerance level, in some manner you rebuff or deny them.

Maybe even dismiss them.

Your compatibility with the other person’s edges, combined with your acceptance of the other person’s edges, will determine whether the relationship grows or dies.

There are ethical edges, both personal and business. If someone goes past your ethical edges, you have a reaction, often acute, that says “danger.” It can be as innocent as cheating on your golf score, or as serious as cheating on your taxes or not paying your bills, but whatever it is, it’s a relationship breaker.

And then there are the emotional edges: how someone reacts when something goes wrong, or how someone responds to a point of argument. And how you feel about or judge their reaction. Are they whiny? Are they quick-tempered? Are they abrasive? Are they abusive?

Are they somewhat of a wild card flying off the handle? Or worse, do they show characteristics that you dislike or fear, such as temper, hostility, vindictiveness or the threat of physical violence?

Edges have a counterpoint: tolerance. You can tolerate almost anything for a short time. But each time someone goes over your edge, you become less and less tolerant, either verbally or silently.

I believe that “past the edge” silent thoughts are more dangerous and more powerful. They’re dangerous because they’re left unsaid and allow the present situation to continue. They’re more powerful because they begin to deepen and build emotion. And, like any latent power, eventually they explode.

What are your edges? Where do you draw the line? What are you willing to accept in others in order to continue a relationship? Many spousal relationships become petty before they end. Leaving the cap off the toothpaste. Dirty laundry lying around. Dirty dishes in the sink.

The gas tank on empty. Dumb little things that erode love because after a hundred abrasive times, it’s over someone else’s edge.

I’m challenging you to widen your field of acceptable edges. Extend your patience. Figure out how you can help first rather than complain, nag, bicker, nitpick or whine. Figure out how you can compromise just a bit more. And figure out how you can be more of a resource than a resister. More of a yes than a no.

Your personal edges determine your business and career edges. And your happiness.

Jeffrey Gitomer, author of “The Sales Bible” and “The Little Red Book of Selling,” is president of Charlotte-based Buy Gitomer. E-mail him at salesman@gitomer.com.

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